Bruno
06-04-2008, 03:58 PM
The ‘Donkey Manifesto’…
I’m playing a lot more on-line poker lately, and wondering why is it that every donkey (read: dead money, stupid dangerous, on-line moron) goes through the same exact process, the same exact series of steps verbally and play, after they donk someone up and someone calls them out on it? Now, I’m not talking about the inexperienced or recreational player. You question them about their play, you’ll know the inexperience quickly. I’m talking about the kid who thinks he’s the next Gus Hansen (never mind how many times Gus has gone broke and had to borrow) cause he’s watched a few of Gus’s patented “gussies” on TV, and thinks he’s smarter then everyone else. Usually, it’s tournament play, cause donkeys don’t last long in cash games.
It goes something like this: early stages of a tournament, they donk someone up on something really stupid (ex; 2499 UTG in PLO8 limping, calling a raise and re-raise preflop, calling a 1/3 stack sized bet and call preflop with 74o the first hand, etc. etc.), someone calls them out about it, and they then go through the following sequence of events (usually in this order):
1) “You’re a Baby/Quit Whining”
Here, almost immediately, they tell you to “quit crying”, call you a “baby”, maybe they type “wah” or something like that. They’ll say “I have ur chips, don’t I”, like the end result of a hand not only justifies their play, but somehow shows their superiority. They’ll begin to brag how they are better then you, and they are going to “take-you out next”. Essentially, they make it personal and attack you, instead of discussing the play. Instead of taking the opportunity to learn something, they attack. You question their play, they attack your maturity, and possibly taunt you. Amazes me the correlation between their bad play/verbal banter and their negative ROI and loses on Sharkscope and/or PokerDB...
2) They’re a “tough guy”
This can range from physical threats (and oh how imposing that is from a computer screen!!!) to the ultimate man challenge of “I‘d kick your ass if we were live“ or “wanna play ‘heads-up? Play me heads up if your so good! Any stakes!!!”. How many times have you ever heard anyone threaten to kick someone’s ass live when the play got questioned? Or heard the “Heads-Up” challenge live? Ever? Here, they show how tough they are by threatening you from an insurmountable distance, and/or put your manhood to the ultimate poker test of “bestness”…HEADS-UP!!! No matter your playing in an Sit-N-G or Tournament. The “donkey” must prove to you and the world (really, just himself!) that he’s a better player then you, and that he'll beat you in this heads-up match, somehow that would prove his donkey play made sense and that you are wrong and that he is better then you and that he is still “king of his world“….probably compensating for a small “certain part of a male’s anatomy”…
3) “You‘re a fag!!!”
You got to love the homophobes. Who else would keep society safe!!! Most every donkey is one. And because you've gotten by the “baby” and “tough guy” phases, now they’ll resort to questioning your sexuality. Now, if you were gay…you probably wouldn’t be bothered by someone calling you gay to a bunch of strangers playing poker on the internet . If your not gay, you’re probably not going to be bothered by someone calling you gay to a bunch of strangers playing poker on the internet (if you do get bothered by someone you don‘t know calling you gay in front of strangers you can‘t see, go get help! Quickly!!). Current psychological dogma believes that the homophobes are usually suppressing their own homoerotic feelings. Gives a whole new meaning to “I know you are, but what am I?”, doesn’t it?
4) “Your momma” stuff
Usually, this revolves around some form of them having sex with your mom. Frankly, if they have sex with my mother, I’m ok with it. Why they would think that would get under my skin, I don’t know. She’s 78, divorced, and if they’re both willing and she still can ,,,,god bless him for helping her out in her time of need! Who am I to get in the way of their happiness? Maybe that would keep her from getting into my business as much, and I’m all up for that! So whenever they start this tirade, I thank them!!! Hell, I’ll even give them her phone number. I feel a little sad for them that they’ll finally be getting some sex from a 78yr old, but, hey, sounds like they need it…
5) “So what, who cares”
As with all donkeys, eventually (usually sooner, rather then later) they start donking off their chips. The silly K10o, 74s calls etc, etc, that won them big pots early start loosing. And when you comment about the similarities, they immediately go to the “Who cares,”, “Stakes are too small for me!”, “x $ must mean a lot to you”, etc, etc. Now is the time where they’ll begin to position the game as being unimportant to them, and way too important to you. Psychologically, they are emotionally preparing to distance themselves from the importance of the game because they are starting to see the darkness at the end of the tunnel.
6) Out, and their Final Words (you hope!)
Eventually, the donkey will donk off his remaining chips. Hopefully, it’ll be you that is the recipient of his “donkey-ness”, rather then one of the stronger players at the table. When this happens, the donkey will not leave gracefully with a “nh” or “gg and gl”. Whoever he was having an argument with, he’ll let them know how much of an ******* he thinks they are. This might go on for several minutes, he might even stalk the person for a few tables. Hell, I’ve had one guy stalk me all the way to the final table and to the end of the tourney, which I won. And even after that, have him tell me he hopes “bad things happen” to me. This kind of effort somewhat invalidates his claim of indifference noted in Step 5, but, logic isn’t what propels the donkey (as evidenced by his donkey play!).
What motivates donkeys isn’t playing the best they can, or getting better, or increasing their bankroll. What motivates them is the ego boost they get by “gambling it up” and hitting a miracle, laying a beat on someone, and then having some sort of confrontational argument about it. They are mis-wired a’ bit: they get an endorphin buzz at the time of the big gamble suck-out, and gad damn it don’t **** with it!!!! I witnessed a complete donkey win a big tourney on-line. Once. Several years ago. I compare it to seeing Haley’s Comet: Once in a lifetime event. Been there, saw that, hope never to see it again
I’m playing a lot more on-line poker lately, and wondering why is it that every donkey (read: dead money, stupid dangerous, on-line moron) goes through the same exact process, the same exact series of steps verbally and play, after they donk someone up and someone calls them out on it? Now, I’m not talking about the inexperienced or recreational player. You question them about their play, you’ll know the inexperience quickly. I’m talking about the kid who thinks he’s the next Gus Hansen (never mind how many times Gus has gone broke and had to borrow) cause he’s watched a few of Gus’s patented “gussies” on TV, and thinks he’s smarter then everyone else. Usually, it’s tournament play, cause donkeys don’t last long in cash games.
It goes something like this: early stages of a tournament, they donk someone up on something really stupid (ex; 2499 UTG in PLO8 limping, calling a raise and re-raise preflop, calling a 1/3 stack sized bet and call preflop with 74o the first hand, etc. etc.), someone calls them out about it, and they then go through the following sequence of events (usually in this order):
1) “You’re a Baby/Quit Whining”
Here, almost immediately, they tell you to “quit crying”, call you a “baby”, maybe they type “wah” or something like that. They’ll say “I have ur chips, don’t I”, like the end result of a hand not only justifies their play, but somehow shows their superiority. They’ll begin to brag how they are better then you, and they are going to “take-you out next”. Essentially, they make it personal and attack you, instead of discussing the play. Instead of taking the opportunity to learn something, they attack. You question their play, they attack your maturity, and possibly taunt you. Amazes me the correlation between their bad play/verbal banter and their negative ROI and loses on Sharkscope and/or PokerDB...
2) They’re a “tough guy”
This can range from physical threats (and oh how imposing that is from a computer screen!!!) to the ultimate man challenge of “I‘d kick your ass if we were live“ or “wanna play ‘heads-up? Play me heads up if your so good! Any stakes!!!”. How many times have you ever heard anyone threaten to kick someone’s ass live when the play got questioned? Or heard the “Heads-Up” challenge live? Ever? Here, they show how tough they are by threatening you from an insurmountable distance, and/or put your manhood to the ultimate poker test of “bestness”…HEADS-UP!!! No matter your playing in an Sit-N-G or Tournament. The “donkey” must prove to you and the world (really, just himself!) that he’s a better player then you, and that he'll beat you in this heads-up match, somehow that would prove his donkey play made sense and that you are wrong and that he is better then you and that he is still “king of his world“….probably compensating for a small “certain part of a male’s anatomy”…
3) “You‘re a fag!!!”
You got to love the homophobes. Who else would keep society safe!!! Most every donkey is one. And because you've gotten by the “baby” and “tough guy” phases, now they’ll resort to questioning your sexuality. Now, if you were gay…you probably wouldn’t be bothered by someone calling you gay to a bunch of strangers playing poker on the internet . If your not gay, you’re probably not going to be bothered by someone calling you gay to a bunch of strangers playing poker on the internet (if you do get bothered by someone you don‘t know calling you gay in front of strangers you can‘t see, go get help! Quickly!!). Current psychological dogma believes that the homophobes are usually suppressing their own homoerotic feelings. Gives a whole new meaning to “I know you are, but what am I?”, doesn’t it?
4) “Your momma” stuff
Usually, this revolves around some form of them having sex with your mom. Frankly, if they have sex with my mother, I’m ok with it. Why they would think that would get under my skin, I don’t know. She’s 78, divorced, and if they’re both willing and she still can ,,,,god bless him for helping her out in her time of need! Who am I to get in the way of their happiness? Maybe that would keep her from getting into my business as much, and I’m all up for that! So whenever they start this tirade, I thank them!!! Hell, I’ll even give them her phone number. I feel a little sad for them that they’ll finally be getting some sex from a 78yr old, but, hey, sounds like they need it…
5) “So what, who cares”
As with all donkeys, eventually (usually sooner, rather then later) they start donking off their chips. The silly K10o, 74s calls etc, etc, that won them big pots early start loosing. And when you comment about the similarities, they immediately go to the “Who cares,”, “Stakes are too small for me!”, “x $ must mean a lot to you”, etc, etc. Now is the time where they’ll begin to position the game as being unimportant to them, and way too important to you. Psychologically, they are emotionally preparing to distance themselves from the importance of the game because they are starting to see the darkness at the end of the tunnel.
6) Out, and their Final Words (you hope!)
Eventually, the donkey will donk off his remaining chips. Hopefully, it’ll be you that is the recipient of his “donkey-ness”, rather then one of the stronger players at the table. When this happens, the donkey will not leave gracefully with a “nh” or “gg and gl”. Whoever he was having an argument with, he’ll let them know how much of an ******* he thinks they are. This might go on for several minutes, he might even stalk the person for a few tables. Hell, I’ve had one guy stalk me all the way to the final table and to the end of the tourney, which I won. And even after that, have him tell me he hopes “bad things happen” to me. This kind of effort somewhat invalidates his claim of indifference noted in Step 5, but, logic isn’t what propels the donkey (as evidenced by his donkey play!).
What motivates donkeys isn’t playing the best they can, or getting better, or increasing their bankroll. What motivates them is the ego boost they get by “gambling it up” and hitting a miracle, laying a beat on someone, and then having some sort of confrontational argument about it. They are mis-wired a’ bit: they get an endorphin buzz at the time of the big gamble suck-out, and gad damn it don’t **** with it!!!! I witnessed a complete donkey win a big tourney on-line. Once. Several years ago. I compare it to seeing Haley’s Comet: Once in a lifetime event. Been there, saw that, hope never to see it again