Wetdog
07-10-2006, 03:52 PM
http://saddlepoint.livejournal.com/160436.html
With Joan Rivers:
Pre-show.
Joan Rivers: "I'm standing here at the red carpet of the 37th Annual World Series of Poker. This is so exciting. They're paying me money to do this, I can't believe it. This couldn't be less important. I don't know why I'm here. Poker is such a stupid game, I see it on tv, it's just 'All in, all in, all in,' I don't even know what it all means, it's so terrible. Gus! Gus! Gus, come here Gus. Gus, your head is shaped like a pear. I don't know whether to interview you or juice your horrifically-shaped head. Gus, where are you going? Gus is gone, ladies and gentlemen. This is so exciting. This is like eight steps down from the Golden Globes. This is worse than the Grammys. This is worse than the Country Music Awards. I haven't been around so many ugly, unimportant people since I worked at CBS. Oh god my material is so bad. Daniel! Come here Danny, Danny let's talk."
Daniel Negreanu: "Hi Joan."
Joan Rivers: "Daniel, who are you wearing? You used to win so much, now you don't win. Why is that? You're breaking my heart Daniel, win something."
Daniel Negreanu: "Well you know there's just a lot of variance, and all I can do is play my best and hope the cards come my way."
Joan Rivers: "Daniel, you fundie douchebag, I just want to pinch your cheeks, you're so cute. How can somebody as cute as you have the hair of a 78 year old chemo patient? Oh I don't care, get out of here. Get out of here, you're so adorable. Grinder! Over here Grinder!"
Michael Mizrachi: "Hey Joan."
Joan Rivers: "Michael, you're so hot right now. You're so hot, you're burning me up, you're about to set the red carpet on fire. If I had pores I'd literally be sweating just being near you, that's how hot you are right now. Tell us about your stupid hat."
Michael Mizrachi: "Well, like, I mean, I call myself 'The Grinder', but that's more for cash games, and then I have this thing I say..."
Joan Rivers: "That doesn't make any ****ing sense you stupid greaseball. Get out of here, with your pretentiousness, I love you. You're great. That was Michael Mizrachi everybody, isn't he a doll? What a doll. Doyle Brunson, the man himself. Doyle, hobble your hick ass over here, we don't have all day. Doyle Brunson, what an honor."
Doyle Brunson: "Well hey there."
Joan Rivers: "Doyle, can I call you Doyle? Doyle you're a living legend, just barely. Just barely a living legend. How are you still alive, you must be a hundred. I thought I was old. I bet you were the commencement speaker at my grandmother's graduation. No, I'm just kidding, nobody in my family's ever been to Texas. What a stupid state. How are you doing Doyle?"
Doyle Brunson: "Well I'm just happy to be here, I can't wait for World Series time each year, it's just about the best month..."
Joan Rivers: "You're so old Doyle."
Doyle Brunson: "...and I mean there's only one World Series, and I've been lucky enough to see it all grow..."
Joan Rivers: "I can see you dying as we speak. I don't know how to play poker, maybe you can teach me later. Hobble on inside you big teddy bear you. Oh god. Look over there. I thought this was a poker show, what the heck is Nosferatu doing here?"
Barry Greenstein: "Hello Joan."
Joan Rivers: "Barry, oh Barry, you poor old Jew, I know a great plastic surgeon. Who are you wearing today?"
Barry Greenstein: "This is my sweater."
Joan Rivers: "Is retarded the new black? Barry, are you here to play the tournaments, or for the side game action? I don't know what that means, the producers told me to say that. I used to be so famous."
Barry Greenstein: "Well I think you'll find that most of the top players are here because the side games can be very profitable..."
Joan Rivers: "God I can barely look at you. You're so rich and thin, you remind me of me. I want to hit you in the face with a hammer. Just go away, go, here, here's a bag, put this bag over your head. Who's this strange little yellow-skinned man with you?"
Chau Giang: "I vay happy be here."
Joan Rivers: "Oh god. I have so many horrible, racist things to say right now. This is too much. Who are all of these stupid people? I'm going to have to take a shower after this. Will poker be replaced by something less stupid? Oh I hope so. This is Joan Rivers at the red carpet of the World Series of Poker. Come back after these commercials, I'll probably hang myself."
With Joan Rivers:
Pre-show.
Joan Rivers: "I'm standing here at the red carpet of the 37th Annual World Series of Poker. This is so exciting. They're paying me money to do this, I can't believe it. This couldn't be less important. I don't know why I'm here. Poker is such a stupid game, I see it on tv, it's just 'All in, all in, all in,' I don't even know what it all means, it's so terrible. Gus! Gus! Gus, come here Gus. Gus, your head is shaped like a pear. I don't know whether to interview you or juice your horrifically-shaped head. Gus, where are you going? Gus is gone, ladies and gentlemen. This is so exciting. This is like eight steps down from the Golden Globes. This is worse than the Grammys. This is worse than the Country Music Awards. I haven't been around so many ugly, unimportant people since I worked at CBS. Oh god my material is so bad. Daniel! Come here Danny, Danny let's talk."
Daniel Negreanu: "Hi Joan."
Joan Rivers: "Daniel, who are you wearing? You used to win so much, now you don't win. Why is that? You're breaking my heart Daniel, win something."
Daniel Negreanu: "Well you know there's just a lot of variance, and all I can do is play my best and hope the cards come my way."
Joan Rivers: "Daniel, you fundie douchebag, I just want to pinch your cheeks, you're so cute. How can somebody as cute as you have the hair of a 78 year old chemo patient? Oh I don't care, get out of here. Get out of here, you're so adorable. Grinder! Over here Grinder!"
Michael Mizrachi: "Hey Joan."
Joan Rivers: "Michael, you're so hot right now. You're so hot, you're burning me up, you're about to set the red carpet on fire. If I had pores I'd literally be sweating just being near you, that's how hot you are right now. Tell us about your stupid hat."
Michael Mizrachi: "Well, like, I mean, I call myself 'The Grinder', but that's more for cash games, and then I have this thing I say..."
Joan Rivers: "That doesn't make any ****ing sense you stupid greaseball. Get out of here, with your pretentiousness, I love you. You're great. That was Michael Mizrachi everybody, isn't he a doll? What a doll. Doyle Brunson, the man himself. Doyle, hobble your hick ass over here, we don't have all day. Doyle Brunson, what an honor."
Doyle Brunson: "Well hey there."
Joan Rivers: "Doyle, can I call you Doyle? Doyle you're a living legend, just barely. Just barely a living legend. How are you still alive, you must be a hundred. I thought I was old. I bet you were the commencement speaker at my grandmother's graduation. No, I'm just kidding, nobody in my family's ever been to Texas. What a stupid state. How are you doing Doyle?"
Doyle Brunson: "Well I'm just happy to be here, I can't wait for World Series time each year, it's just about the best month..."
Joan Rivers: "You're so old Doyle."
Doyle Brunson: "...and I mean there's only one World Series, and I've been lucky enough to see it all grow..."
Joan Rivers: "I can see you dying as we speak. I don't know how to play poker, maybe you can teach me later. Hobble on inside you big teddy bear you. Oh god. Look over there. I thought this was a poker show, what the heck is Nosferatu doing here?"
Barry Greenstein: "Hello Joan."
Joan Rivers: "Barry, oh Barry, you poor old Jew, I know a great plastic surgeon. Who are you wearing today?"
Barry Greenstein: "This is my sweater."
Joan Rivers: "Is retarded the new black? Barry, are you here to play the tournaments, or for the side game action? I don't know what that means, the producers told me to say that. I used to be so famous."
Barry Greenstein: "Well I think you'll find that most of the top players are here because the side games can be very profitable..."
Joan Rivers: "God I can barely look at you. You're so rich and thin, you remind me of me. I want to hit you in the face with a hammer. Just go away, go, here, here's a bag, put this bag over your head. Who's this strange little yellow-skinned man with you?"
Chau Giang: "I vay happy be here."
Joan Rivers: "Oh god. I have so many horrible, racist things to say right now. This is too much. Who are all of these stupid people? I'm going to have to take a shower after this. Will poker be replaced by something less stupid? Oh I hope so. This is Joan Rivers at the red carpet of the World Series of Poker. Come back after these commercials, I'll probably hang myself."